Do Vulcans Dream of (Sexually Fusturated) Captains
by UndercoverMoffat
Summary: James T. Kirk is the living, breathing, embodiment of sexual frustration.
1. Chapter 1

This was my prompt, in these exact words, from my dear friend Haylee: WRITE ONE WHERE THEY HAVE SEX A BUNCH AND KIRK IS REALLY LOUD AND SPOCK IS JUST REALLY QUIET AND THEN WILL ONLY SPEAK WHEN HE'S ABOUT TO ORGASM BUT LIKE HE'LL ONLY SAY "I am near ejaculation. Is this suitable?" AND KIRK IS JUST LIKE "FUCK MEEEEMEMEMEMEME HARDEJRBTRBERG OH MAN SPOCK DICK OH YESAH FFGGU" AND THEN THEY KEEP HAVING SEX AND SPOCK IS JUST REALLY FORMAL AND THEN KIRK IS LIKE I AM TIRED OF THIS BS AND SO HE IS LIKE I AM GONNA FUCK YOU AND HE DOES AND SPOCK LIKE COMES UNDONE. OH MAN.

No set timeline except for reboot, probably post Into Darkness. Also established relationship huzzah. Before you ask, I did a fuckton of research on the fanon idea for Spock's dick okay. It was important. I know there's tons of speculation and all that good stuff, but let's go with almost 50 years of fandom, and adapt the whole "double-ridged' and "green" thing okay.

Set for seven parts in total.

* * *

The first time they have sex it's born out of a lot of pent-up sexual frustration.

James T. Kirk is the living, breathing, embodiment of /sexual frustration/ and has this talent where he can pretty much ignite it in anybody who walks past (except for Bones, but that's a whole other story.) Hell, he can even manage to get it out of /Spock/ if he tries hard enough, and that's saying something, considering the half-Vulcan is about as celibate as half-Vulcans can be. Kirk doesn't know jack squat about pon-farr other than Spock's whole seven year cycle isn't exactly approaching (yet, but Kirk's been thinking about making a calendar ever since he was rightfully informed), but he has seen Spock naked plenty of times and, as Chekov would say, Kirk could certainly do /zat/.

Of course, getting the guy to actually engage in the act is about as easy as balancing a spoon on your nose, and if you can do that, Kirk hates you. He really does. (Also, please teach him because he owes Bones some cash regarding that particular skill.) Of course Kirk's tried it, he's fucking James Tiberius Kirk for crying out loud, but /noo/, Spock's gotta be all "Perhaps we should wait until we've progressed further into our relationship, as it is customary" and all that other nonsense that Kirk basically takes as a straight up /no/. That's fine, it's all good, he's just biding his time. But he'll be damned if he's waiting for Spock's next pon-farr to kick in. A guy has his limits you know.

Of course, then one day out of the blue after a particular blow-out on the bridge where Spock and KIrk disagreed over something, as they tend to do, Spock's dragging Kirk into the elevator and shoving him up against the wall and kissing him in a way that he had to have learned from Kirk because Kirk's pretty fucking sure he's the only one with those kinds of skills. Spock has enough since to put the damn thing on emergency stop, because with their luck, some ensign would come stumbling in (it's happened before. Pavel Chekov will never be the same.) to see Kirk all laid out like a whore (nothing against them, no-slut shaming in Jim Kirk's book) against the wall with a half-Vulcan's tongue down his throat. Okay, so maybe it's not down his throat, just dragging across his own, and his teeth, and pretty much tasting everything that Kirk's mouth has to offer. For the first time all day he regrets that leftover Russian cuisine he scarfed down for lunch. Coming from a planet with limited oxygen, Spock's got about the greatest lung capacity of anyone Kirk's ever met, and so when they finally break apart, he just looks at Kirk as calm as ever.

"Are you done?" Kirk bites out between ragged gaps for air that feel pathetic when you're faced with an even-breathing alien. His mouth practically hurts and his face is burning and flushed and he swears to fucking God, Spock looks at him and /smirks/, the bastard. And Kirk's not about to have any of that, no sir-ee, so it's him who drags their mouths back together, hot and vivacious and it's practically /bruising/, really. Spock even does this thing where he catches Kirk's bottom lip between his teeth, and fuck, if that isn't Kirk's favourite thing in the world. He lets out a noise that doesn't sound human in the slightest, and even he's a little concerned by that, but then Spock's hands fall to his sides, gripping the fabric of his uniform shirt and he pretty much forgets what spawned this whole thing in the first place.

Spock doesn't say a word, which drives Kirk fucking crazy, just lets his palms travel under Kirk's shirt and along the counters of his chest and fucking watches his face of all things. It's like the pointy-eared bastard gets off on watching Kirk fall apart which is fucking ridiculous because they're pants are still on, and if Kirk isn't the biggest teenager you've ever met, than Bones is a bricklayer. Kirk can't say much about that, to be honest, because he's pretty sure he could get off on watching Spock the same way, but there's a huge difference between Jim Kirk and Spock.

"It would be logical if you kept the moaning to a minimum," Spock says in a low voice and if Kirk wasn't sporting the biggest hard-on he's ever had he'd probably strangle the guy. "The rest of the crew is still on the bridge, Captain." He draws out the last word, Captain, slowly and with a glint of something in his dark eyes and Kirk is pretty much hating himself because he knows he's the one who taught Spock these blasted things. His hands flutter usefully at his sides for a moment before he gives up and pulls Spock closer to him because if they're gonna do whatever it is their doing Kirk's not gonna flop around like a beached fish for it.

He also makes a point of making a very exaggerated noise that makes Spock's eyes grow a little, and then a little more when Kirk does the very whore-ish thing by grinding his hips into Spock's and though Kirk's aware that if he keeps it up he'll come in his pants like a God damn sixteen-year-old and this is the /second/ time he's reminded himself that he's a teenager. Good job, Kirk.

But the friction is too blissful to pass up and Jesus, he could use with a little more of that, so he doesn't hesitate in pushing fabric out of the way of his own cock and more or less giving Spock some hurry-up motions because it's fucking cold in this damn compartment. Spock of course is languid in his movements in a way that only Spock can be, and it's then that Kirk realizes that Spock's pretty much got full control of him in every way, and /fuck/ if that isn't the biggest turn-on ever. Kirk, of course, is glad to see Spock flushed of his own accord, considering he's so fucking calm and not in any way acting like they're screwing around with nothing but a pair of doors separating them and the rest of the crew. (Also, the first time that Kirk made the connection that Spock's blood was /green/ for crying out-loud, he sang "Spock's got a celery cock" for three whole minutes. In his defense, he was drunk, but Bones laughed so hard he nearly wet himself so there's that.)

The added friction is ten times better than Kirk could've probably dreamed (and trust him, he has) just flesh on flesh, and so maybe Kirk adds a spit-slicked hand for good measure because if this is their first fucking time he's going to do it /properly/. And that includes incredibly loud grunts and moans and he even throws in a yelled out "Spock!" when he feels himself teetering on that very refined edge, because he has a knack for scarring the entirety of the USS Enterprise.

Perhaps the best (or worst, if you're picky) of the whole ordeal is Spock saying, completely deadpan, "I am near ejaculation. Is this suitable?". What's even more messed up, is that that's what pushes Kirk over the edge and he's coming all over the place, torn between laughing and yelling until his throat is hoarse.

Spock follows suit, quickly, in fact, coming into Kirk's hands with little more than a soft noise that Kirk would've missed if he hadn't been on the lookout for it. He doesn't even blink a fucking eye, the dick, and instead steps back and adjusts himself, magically producing some sort of clean-up cloth like he fully expected this. The damn bastard /planned/ Kirk realises with a disgruntled noise, and he'd kiss the fuck out of him if he wasn't so pissed off at the idea. Pissed off because he's impressed, and that's just all kinds of wrong, even for Jim Kirk.

After several stretches of silence and adjusting themselves so they at least look presentable enough to step out on the bridge (Kirk's already rearranging his features into a carefully placed smirk), Spock reaches over and curls two of his fingers around two of Kirk's, and the move is strangely intimate and sends chills skittering up Kirk's spine.

Like he said. Teenager.

Kirk takes great satisfaction in looking at the wide-eyed, open-mouthed, flushed-red faces of his crew when the doors slide open.


	2. Mission: Spock's First Blowjob

The day James Kirk discovers that Spock gets drunk off of _chocolate _is the best day of his life.

The stuff isn't exactly common in 2260, and it takes some dark alleyways and a fuckton of Federation cash to get the really good, pure Hershey's stuff. Bones, of all people, manages to snag three solid bars of it their first shore leave on Earth, and waggles it in Kirk's face in a break room.

"You're kidding me," Kirk laughs as soon as Bones produces it from his pocket, and the grumpy old man has a small smile for once. "Is it legit?"

"Good ol' fashioned chocolate," the doctor replies with a smirk, breaking off a piece and offering it to Kirk.

"Screw that," Kirk half-lunges across the table and takes the whole bar from Bones' hand. Bones lets him, and Kirk leans back in his chair, propping his feet up on the table and breaking another piece off. He pops it into his mouth and chews thoughtfully - he hasn't had chocolate since he was at least twelve, and it tastes just the same as he remembered it. Sweet, melting on his tongue, the whole package. Kirk couldn't tell you the last time he had something that tasted as good as this, and that includes the multi-layer honey cake Chekov whipped up for Uhura's birthday. It doesn't taste of that false, synthetic shit that cropped up about forty years ago, the cheap kind you buy in random shapes that you can conform to anything you want (he has a proud collection of fake-chocolate penises under his bed), and never melts or anything. The kind that Kirk is all but cramming down his throat is the God honest /cocoa/ that only the extremely wealthy (or extremely illegal) have.

"Spock," Kirk swivels his chair to Spock, who's staring intently at the PADD in his hand, fingers swiping across the transparent screen quickly and efficiently. "Try this."

Spock doesn't even glance up. "I am occupied at the moment, Jim."

"It's importaaannnntt," Kirk whines, swinging his legs off the table and leaning forward, planting his elbows on his knees, the rest of the chocolate bar still in his hand. "I'm talking orgasm on your tongue."

"A human tongue is incapable of producing the type of orgasm that you are implying," Spock says, and it may sound flat and monotonous to anybody else, but Kirk knows better. He answers with a hearty eye roll, and leans in even further, passing the chocolate across Spock's field of vision.

"Choco-late," Kirks sing-songs in a tone that suggests that's all he needs to say to convince Spock to eat the damn thing.

Spock exhales through his nose and slides his gaze over to Jim, mouth curled down into what Kirk has officially labeled Spock's Bitch Face #4. "I have too much work to complete, and ingesting chocolate would be highly illogical," Spock says and it's almost a snap. He makes a point of turning his chair a little more away from Kirk, and it's pretty much like getting the cold shoulder.

"Don't get your panties in a wad," Kirk smirks, but he scoots his chair closer, because Jim Kirk does not give up that easily. "Just one bite," he draws out the last word, sliding the bar over Spock's shoulder. "One l_ittle_ bite."

Bones chooses then to pipe up, a piece of candy stuffed into one side of his mouth. "Wait," he holds up a hand. "Can't Vulcans get inebriated from this stuff?"

The tips of Spock's pointed ears tinge green and he sets his mouth in a firm line, staring holes into his PADD. Kirk, on the other hand, is too busy cracking up in loud bursts of snorting, hiccupping laughter. "You - you can get drunk off of chocolate?"

"More accurately, high levels of any type of cocoa," Spock corrects, and he blushes a little darker, grip tight on the device in his hand.

Kirk can still barely breathe, but with one last snort he forces his cackling under control, a hand to his chest. "Oh, come on, Spock," he continues to insist, hooking his fingers under Spock's chair and yanking him closer. "Put the work away for once, ease up. Don't Vulcans know how to have f_un_?"

"/Fun/ is an emotional concept -" Spock begins, but Jim's answering sigh is loud enough to make him stop, and the captain snatches the PADD out of Spock's hands, powering it down and tossing it aside on the table.

"Eat the chocolate. That's an order." Kirk makes extra sure to insert as much "Captain Kirk" into the words as possible, eyeing Spock sharply with a small squint that he only uses when they're on the bridge. Spock refutes it with a God-honest glare, and though he has a knack for ignoring just about every order Kirk throws at him (in favour of "logic". Aka bullshit.), he doesn't make an attempt to reach for the PADD anyway.

"Of course, Captain," he says back, and the blush is gone from his ears by now. Kirk gives another one of his Dammit-Jim-smirks because he's pretty much won this battle, and pushes the chocolate into Spock's left hand.

Bones, on the other hand, is standing and muttering under his breath - as per usual. "The damn man's still sober and the sexual tension has already multiplied. Great, just my luck." He begins to turn away, but increases the volume of his voice. "Dammit Jim, I can't even get /chocolate/ without you Kirking it up somehow."

Spock frowns like he's trying to understand how McCoy turned Kirk's time into a verb, and then glances down at the chocolate still in his hand. with a resigned noise that sounds almost like defeat, he breaks off a piece and brings it to his mouth, causing Jim to break out into a large smile. "This is gonna be good," he tells no one in particular, resting an elbow on the table and propping his cheek on his hand, watching Spock carefully.

"It affects me much in the same manner that alcohol affects you, Jim," Spock tells him. "It will take much more than a single piece." He directs the candy bar back towards Jim, one eyebrow drawn up in what seems to be a challenge.

"No," Kirk laughs, holding his hands out in front of him. "You have to eat all of it. The whole thing."

"You only ordered me to eat one piece, Captain," Spock counters and his mouth is pursed into what Kirk refuses to call a /pout/, as intriguing as the thought is. Kirk wonders for 3.5 seconds if that's something that Spock is even capable of, before leaning back in his chair.

"Orders change."

An hour and a bar of chocolate later, and James Tiberius Kirk has the privilege of saying that, yes, he has successfully gotten First Officer Commander Spock drunk.

It's seven hundred and thirty two kinds of /hilarious/; leave it to Spock to be a happy drunk, who babbles on about research that Kirk doesn't understand a word of. The best part is that he occasionally slips into a language that Kirk has no hope of deciphering, and it might be Vulcan, but it might even be Klingon or something - Jim isn't exactly a xenolinguistic. Xenolinguist? Regardless, Kirk thinks that if this is the first time he's going to see Spock God's honest _drunk_ then he's getting that all to himself. He even remained sober himself to witness it all because he will never forgive himself ever if he forgot a single moment of this.

"Jim, where are we going?" Spock inquires and Kirk would laugh for the rest of his life at the informality of Spock's words if he could.

Kirk imagines saying all sorts of whacked out, teenage things (he's a teenage girl at heart, remember?), like, "It's a secret" or even pulling a Titanic and saying "to the stars" but scraps it all as stupid, no matter how drunk off his ass Spock is. As it is, he just wants to get Spock alone - he's been artfully attempting to draw all sorts of noises and reactions out of the guy. He's gotten it down to a science - or, at least, he's been applying the scientific method to the whole damn situation, but to little avail. Spock has just about the greatest composure ever, but there's all sorts of tricks that Kirk has up his sleeve. He figures with Spock actually _/drunk/_ that his results will be very promising. Fingers crossed, at least.

As it is, he ends up just pulling Spock into his quarters for some more experimentation.

Kirk wastes no time in kissing Spock because he loves kissing Spock, he can't lie about that. Really you'd think Spock would be sloppy and all that stuff that comes with the personality, but no, he's probably the best kisser in the whole universe and Kirk has kissed /a lot/ of people. And other life forms. Even drunk, the guy's still measured and slow and /damn/ Kirk could get off on making out alone. God knows he's done it in the past.

"Ever gotten a blowjob, Spock?" Kirk asks against his mouth, voice low and husky because he loves to dirty talk. When God said let there be Jim Kirk, he also said let there be dirty talk, and lots of it, all kinds, no matter the circumstance. He's mostly refrained from it with Spock - well, the reason being that he can never really say much out outside of Spock's name and yells and gasps and all that good stuff.

Spock draws away and does that eyebrow raise of his eyes, and his eyes are widened in exaggeration that only comes with being under the influence of, well, chocolate. "What is a - blowjob?" The word doesn't sit right on his tongue, he doesn't even pronounce it correctly, and Kirk gives him an exasperated look.

"Wait, you're joking right? I know you're not too well-versed on all these human terms, but come on, everyone knows what a blowjob is. I mean I'm sure Uhura gave you some. Oh God, did she?" Jim isn't sure if he's horrified at the thought or a little bit turned on. Not that he'd ever admit that. Ever.

Spock stares at him like he's speaking some language that Spock doesn't know, which is probably really hard to find, and definitely not appropriate considering he's the one that's been babbling in Vulcan.

Kirk makes a disgruntled noise and half-drags Spock over to the bed, sitting him down and straddling him - Spock looks surprised at the action, which is amusing as fuck, so Kirk makes extra sure to settle in comfortably. "A blowjob," Kirk says using that same low voice that he's labeled his bedroom one ages ago. "Is when somebody sucks on that pretty green cock of yours."

Nailed it.

Spock's slanted brows draw together, and the look of genuine confusion on his face is as laughable as everything else about him. "I don't understand," he says, slowly, voice slightly slurred from the affects of the chocolate. "If suction is involved, then why is it called a - a _/blow/_job?"

"Every high school student since the 1900's has asked that very same question," Kirk points out, not that Spock is remotely aware of this. In fact he looks more bewildered than ever, and so Kirk takes it upon himself to kiss away that confusion. "Come on, you can't tell me that Uhura never did that."

"Never," Spock confirms, dark eyes still startlingly wide. "It sounds fascinating."

Kirk draws away again. "Wait, you've never gotten a blowjob? Oh my God," he laughs a little obnoxiously in disbelief. "That's it - take your pants off, you're getting one right now."

Spock seems a little wary to the idea - Kirk's certainly not going to force himself onto him, no, that is rule number one in Kirk's book - but he does as Kirk says, slowly and methodically, movements still sluggish from the chocolate. A little help from 100% sober Kirk and Spock's all laid out across the bed, which is definitely a reverse from how it usually goes, not that Kirk's complaining. Not at all.

Kirk is not one on procrastination - at least not in bed - and foreplay may be his favourite thing in the entire_ universe _but the idea of Spock never experiencing a blowjob ever pretty much cancels that out. Jim can't lie and say he's not excited about the prospect of being Spock's first blowjob-giver. And yes, that's a politically correct term, he just made it so. He doesn't even tease, as much as he's tempted to do so, and Spock watches him closely as he takes him first into his hand, fingers tightening around him. Because Kirk speaks from experience - it's not fucking easy to start off with a blowjob on someone who isn't even hard, okay, and Kirk's hand jobs are to die for, so he might as well.

Of course, Kirk is, naturally, carefully monitoring Spock's reactions, which is a hobby of his as well as contributing to his, er, experiment. Of course, the bastard isn't even reacting outside of that steady wide-eyed gaze that Kirk thinks won't fade for a while. So, time for Phase 2 of Operation: Spock's First Blowjob.

Phase 2 consists of Kirk taking Spock's said pretty green cock into his mouth. Kirk may not be as apt as blowjob giving as he is hand job giving, but he certainly has a PhD in both, and so if Spock doesn't make a single noise, Kirk's probably going to explode. There's no way, Hell, even _Kirk himself _ is making some interesting sounds around Spock's cock because are cocks even supposed to taste good, really. Sure, Kirk's had some not-bad dick in his time, I mean they all more or less taste the same, but leave it to fucking Spock to have one that Kirk can suck off without having to get around the taste.

Kirk thinks he's doing a fantastic job - avoiding the teeth, easy as fuck, hell, he even knows how to wrap his tongue around in just the right way for maximum pleasure, and hell he's got an excellent rhythm going, not to mention /deep throating/ and if he was on the end of this blowjob, wow. Needless to say, this isn't the first time that Kirk's wish was to be more flexible than he is - it's annoying as fuck because Spock himself is incredibly flexible and that would be nice and all except he's such a stickler in bed and Kirk's gotta draw it all out of him.

What he's not drawing out of him is any reaction.

The pop noise that Kirk hears when he pulls off would be satisfactory - that and the fact that Spock is flushed green and hard and Kirk could totally get him off with a few non-chalant tugs - except that Spock is still just watching him like he's waiting for something and Kirk is really frustrated by this. Experiment, failed, not even a blowjob from Captain James T. Kirk, the king of all blowjobs, can get a single moan out of the half-Vulcan. A half-Vulcan who is drunk off of chocolate at that.

Well, fuck.

"That was satisfactory," Spock says with a goofy smile that looks unnatural on his face after Kirk gave up and just let him come (down his throat because Kirk is a motherfucking gentlemen and wasn't about to let them get covered in sticky Vulcan come. Of course, Spock's diet was another fact - he's a damn vegetarian and all those vegetables and fruit equals good tasting come. A+ for Spock.)

"Satisfactory," Kirk repeats in a deadpan voice, and wow, things are really reversed tonight. "No, I am awesome at blowjobs, that was more than satisfactory."

"It would . . . please me if we did it again sometime, t'hy'la."

Kirk covers Spock's face with a pillow.

(He doesn't miss the t'hy'la though and files it away for later examination.)


	3. In Which They're a Couple of Idiots

"Tell me what you wanna do to me, Spock."

"I would like to engage in sexual intercourse with you, Jim."

Jim Kirk rolls off of Spock with an exaggerated groan (and mind you, it's not the easiest of feats considering they're right smack dab in the middle of foreplay, and if foreplay isn't your favourite part then Jim doesn't have anything to say to you), and gives him an indignant look, eyebrows raised. Both, because he hasn't exactly managed to master the whole one-eyebrow-quirk thing but he's been practicing in the mirror for the past three months and he's _almost_ there. The point is that he's too frustrated to continue with their _sexual intercourse_ (ugh), and he's 75% on his way to get up and go take an even /more/ frustrated shower, but judging by the look that Spock is giving him, he supposes he should offer some sort of explanation.

"Have I made a miscalculation?" Spock asks and Jim groans again, extra loud, and covers his face with his hands.

"Spock, when someone says 'hey tell me what you want to do to me', you're supposed to sa y'hey Jim, I want you to suck my big, green Vulcan cock', or, you know, all sorts of dirty things."

Spock frowns like he's trying to process what Kirk's saying, but his brow smooths out quickly, per usual, of course, and he regards Jim with an air of someone whose observing a plant specimen (though if that person is Sulu, there's a little more affection in it). Then, in a flat, monotonous voice that he saves for when they're in uniform on the bridge Spock says, "Jim, I want you to suck my big, green Vulcan cock."

Kirk groans for yet a third time, except this one is suppressing a snort and the noise comes out a little mangled, but he half-throws himself off the bed as it is, bitching about pointy-eared aliens and their lack of sex appeal. He more or less slams the door (well as much as one can considering they're automatic sliders) separating his sleeping quarters and the bathroom, and wastes no time in turning on the shower with a few touches to the sensor on the wall. He needs a little water right now, preferably something cold, because he's really not in the mood to jack off.

It takes him 3.7 seconds to remember that, fuck that, these are his quarters, and he steps back into his room, soaking wet and a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. Spock has not moved an inch from his position on the bed, and Kirk resists the urge to throw an old-fashioned bar of soap at him. "Get out," he commands, and presses the button forcefully, the door sliding shut in front of his stern expression.

(He ends up jacking off anyway but he'll be damned if Spock finds that out.)

~X~

"It's a highly illogical thing to have negative emotions about."

This sentence is totally fine if Spock's saying it to Kirk, and sure, the captain is overreacting a little just because his alien boyfriend can't dirty talk. But, in fact the sentence was _not_ said to Kirk, and he is very aware of what this conversation entails, because why else would Bones have his knuckles pressed into the back of his mouth and his eyes crinkled in the way they only do when he's trying not to laugh. Also, Kirk is very good at inference, thank you very much.

He lingers a bit away from where the conversation is taking place, ears strained to listen because he's not going to pass up an opportunity to hear Bones' reply. "Well I, uh," Bones makes a noise like a hybrid of a choke and a laugh, and his face is a little red. "What did you /say/ exactly that pissed him off so much?"

Spock doesn't even have the decency to shift uneasily on his feet or look embarrassed in any way. "I told him I wanted him to suck my big, green Vulcan cock."

Bones goes slack-jawed in a way that Kirk hasn't seen since he got stabbed in the thigh with a sedative hypo by a wayward ensign gone mental. It would be amusing if he wasn't sitting there stewing in his own anger and more than anything, annoyance, and 7.6 seconds of contemplation later he's half-marching towards Bones and Spock down the hallway, trying his very best to maintain what he calls his Captain posture. Bones face is still flaming red, like someone lit a fire under his skin, and he tugs on the collar of his uniform with a choked noise.

"Jim," Spock says and Kirk would almost say it was in pleasant surprise but Kirk's not so sure Spock is capable of such a thing. Bones on the other hand, is entirely on the opposite end of the spectrum of pleasant surprise, and Jim's already thinking about all the various ways he could jab at the fact that Bones is totally banging that seventeen year old Russian kid. That's what he gets for prodding Spock into talking about their sex life. That is some private shit right there, and okay, so maybe Karma's a bitch because Kirk himself is always butting into people's sex life, but hell-o they don't call him Jim T. Sexual Frustration for nothing. Alright, _he's_ the only one that calls himself that but that's beside the point.

"Gentlemen," Kirk grinds out as it is, but he's not as skilled as Spock and can't quite make his features blank. Bones is looking at him with this sort of apology and Jim has to resist the urge to roll his eyes. "Alpha Shift ends in thirty minutes, I suggest you finish up your," he stares at Bones pointedly. "Paperwork." It's an old-fashioned term - Jim couldn't tell you the last time he saw paperwork actually involving paper, but the meaning is evident enough.

"Aye, aye, Captain," Bones replies, and it sounds sarcastic, but judging by the way he scurries out of there quicker than should be possible for a man his age, Jim thinks he was only so eager.

Spock, however, stays firmly planted and quirks an eyebrow at Kirk. He opens his mouth to say something, but Jim just continues to stare at him sharply, until he closes  
it (and flushes a slight green, which makes Kirk happy in all the wrong ways), and nods in assent. He makes a move as if to touch Jim's hand, but seems to change his  
mind halfway there and turns around, walking away rigidly.

This is the dumbest fight Kirk's ever had.

~X~

"Wait, wait," Uhura's saying, waving a fork full of salad (_salad_) in the air and pointing it at Kirk. "You're mad at Spock because he didn't dirty talk up to your standards?"

"No," Kirk replies, exasperated. "I'm not /mad/ - oh come on, you can't tell me that he never frustrated you," he points out. Turning the subject around, that's what Jim Kirk does best.

"Well, lucky for me, that's not a kink of mine," Uhura says smartly, taking a bite of her salad and chewing thoughtfully. "So why aren't you talking?"

"For starters, we have different shifts scheduled today -"

"You're in charge of the scheduling," Uhura points out, deadpan, and Kirk exhales heavily.

"Okay, so I'm avoiding him, so what," he crosses his arms. "I'm allowed to get angry - I mean, I'm not _angry_," he reiterates. "I'm allowed to get - frustrated. That's the word."

"You're so full of yourself," Uhura shakes her head and goes to stand, but Kirk calls out a "Hey, wait!" at her.

"Different customs, Jim," she says without him prompting anything. "He's not used to emotionally bearing himself like that, and you and I both know that I'm not exactly the most," she pauses. "Affectionate, of people."

"And I am?" Jim scoffs.

"When you want to be," she nods, and with that, she's leaving the rec room and leaving Jim to his own bitter self-hatred.

~X~

"You're not coming to me for relationship advice," Bones grounds out, and Jim decides not to push it (too much) because the doctor's equipped with a hypo and Jim's sick of getting stabbed with those stupid things.

Jim sighs loudly and follows Bones across the sickbay to an ensign with a head injury. "Come on, Bonesssssss," he draws out his frend's name. "What do you do when you fight with Chekov -"

Bones whirls on him so fast, Jim's head spins, and he feels a little threatened by the narrowing of Bones' eyes. "What did you just say?"

"I -"

Bones jabs a finger at him and Kirk's totally about to cite regulation about getting testy with your Captain, and he could totally write Bones up for this, but a startled, "Leonard?" makes him think twice.

The daggers Bones is already giving Jim sharpen tenfold, and Jim's 97% sure he's bleeding from somewhere. Jim would totally voice as such but Bones has gone all soft in the blink of an eye (and that's one metamorphosis that has Jim's head set to /spin), and is taking Chekov by the elbow and gently leading him away - _gently_. Bones doesn't do anything _gently_ and Jim has about a million remarks on the tip of his tongue at the ready. They all dissolve within a beat of a heart when, after a hushed good-bye, Chekov presses a kiss quicker than lightning to the corner of Bones' mouth and leaves the doctor all flustered and blushing, and _damn_, that is _/hilarious./_

And then, all at once, it hits Jim like a freight train.

"Thanks, Bones!" he calls and waves before he's running out of the sickbay faster than you can say "external initial dampener."

~X~

"Captain," confusion creases Spock's features when Jim bursts dramatically into the research lab, and the couple of ensigns gathered around a tribble look up with bright, curious eyes.

"Out," Jim instructs, and they scurry away like good little soldiers, leaving his second in command, standing straight with his hands folded behind his back.

"Captain," Spock repeats, "Jim, what is -"

But Jim has crossed the room, planted his mouth on Spock's, and is kissing him with a fervor that has his own blood boiling. He holds Spock's face in his hands, buries his fingers into his dark hair, and he's trying to apologise and tell Spock they're a couple of fucking idiots all at once; the fingertips that press against his temple tell him that Spock knows and it's like a surge of fire in Jim's chest.

"God, Spock," Jim breathes against his lips, hands touching everywhere they can reach. "You're so great, I'm dumb, I j-"

"Jim," Spock repeats, his name warm inside Spock's mouth as he presses it against Jim's own. "You asked me what it is I would - like to do with you. I gave you the logical answer, but now I understand the complexity of your question, and the answer is quite simple."

"Spock," Jim laughs, and he doesn't pull away from where he's pressing kisses along Spock's jaw. "You don't have to-"

"I would like," he stresses the word, like it's new and foreign and emotional. "To give myself - over to you. Completely." And then he's curling two fingers around Jim's again and saying, "You are t'hy'la, Jim."

And if they fuck long and hard that night several times, well can you really blame them.


End file.
